The Last Day in Hell (a.k.a Kansas City): Part 1

At 51 sales on the summer, my last day knocking doors in Kansas City needed to be amazing. I had initially wanted to hit 55 sales as a personal goal, but I was so burnt out on knocking on doors and being demoralized I was almost ready to settle. Steve (our boss and driver) dropped me off on the street I had started working the night before, and I started knocking. The first home had no answer, and as I walked through the humid Kansas City air towards the second home, I felt like dying.

Before my fist could connect with the oak, the door swung open to a 30-something black woman in a towel. “You look hot and I saw you coming!” She stated in a Kansas City-esk accent. “Why don’t you come in for a bit?” I looked down the street at the plethora of houses just waiting to reject me and I decided to oblige her.

It was a typical Kansas City house…a couch, a few chairs, an enormous big screen television that you have to wonder how someone on welfare can afford…the usual setup. As she motioned towards a chair for me to sit in, she laid on the couch and began asking me about how my day had been and what I was selling. This was also typical of Kansas City—there may be three shooting deaths a day in that town, but people sure were pleasant. I informed her of the alarm company I represented, the heat, the fact it was my last day, and she decided to celebrate. I got a little worried she might strike up the marijuana joint resting on one of her end tables, but instead she picked up the phone and made a call to her landlord.
“I got a friend over here and we need some ice cream and Sobé,” she proclaimed into the phone. “Hurry up, he’s got a job to do.”

Bewildered at the interesting choice of celebratory food, I quizzed her on her relationship with her landlord. He and her had been dating on and off for quite some time, but I got the feeling she took advantage of him to do things like bring her ice cream at 11:30 AM on a Thursday.

We spoke more about the alarm I was selling and she informed me she would love to have one, but couldn’t pay the $99 deposit our company requires. Still in sales mode, I informed her if that was the only problem, I could take care of it, and she decided to buy. I began to think the day might start looking up, but this was no ordinary sale. The law requires that any improvements made on a home be done by the owner, and with the owners consent, and this 30-something black woman in a towel was not the owner…her friend brining us ice cream, however, was.

It took three more phone calls and 45 minuets for the landlord to show up, but sure enough, when he got there he had ice cream, drinks, frozen candy bars, everything you could want on a cold day. Lucky for me, I was also going to get a sale. After fifteen minutes of convincing, I got a signature on the contract from him, which was all I needed. “I really don’t want this alarm thing in here, but I guess I don’t have a choice.” Those were the words we loved to hear…having someone buy something from you that they really don’t want was the mark of an excellent salesman. He exited the cool house back into the humid Kansas City heat, and I worked on finishing my ice cream bar, when suddenly the 30-something black woman in a towel hit me with something else.

“I don’t have any way to pay for this alarm, you know.” I had the ice cream bar half-way down my throat when she mentioned this tidbit and I nearly coughed it back up, but I managed to choke it down and ask for a clarification by what she meant. “I don’t have a credit card or checking account or anything. I just pay cash for this place.” I looked at my now useless contract, bemoaning the fact that I just spent two and a half hours waiting on ice cream in the hopes of a sale. I went to tear the contract in half and leave when she put me in quite the pickle. “I have his credit card though…” she stated. I looked at my contract, looked at the black, 30-something woman in a towel, and then at my watch. It was nearly 2 PM, I only had 7 hours left, and if I wanted to show anything for this day, I had to act.

I sat silent for a few seconds, staring at the signature on the dotted line of the contract, and noticed the small print underneath which read “The signee hereby declares intent to pay all charges associated…” upon seeing those little words I didn't need to read anymore. I had explained how much it cost and he signed the papers, so at this point it was out of my hands. I took the ‘borrowed’ credit card and finalized the sale, feeling justified in my actions. As the installation technician entered the house, the black 30-something woman in a towel thanked me for getting her an alarm system, and I knocked on the next door, which would be my next sale of the day.

More on my last day in Kansas City later.

Go to the zoo...

Door-to-door sales were pretty taxing, as you well know by now. We would knock for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, and only have Sundays off to kick back and recoup for the next week. One day after Chet and I went to church, we decided we would use our time of to do some sight-seeing in Kansas City. We asked around about some interesting places to visit, and of all the places to go, the Kansas City Zoo sounded the most interesting.

Thirty minutes of driving found us at the zoo entrance, still in our shirts and ties from church, as we walked around the outside of the zoo, discussing what exhibits we might look at first. As we approached the ticket booth, we noticed the prices of the zoo were astronomical: 10 bucks a person. While this sounds like very little money now, $10 while you are living by $100 commissions is pretty steep. Naturally, we didn’t want to pay the steep charge, but we really wanted to get inside and flip off the monkeys (watch Anchorman). We scanned the area, not sure what to do, when we noticed the IMAX theater which linked to the zoo.

I led the charge as we walked past the main ticket booth towards the IMAX entrance, where a 60 year-old woman was tearing tickets and a velvet rope in a V shape herded zoo-goers towards her. We walked up to the first rope of the V on the right side and casually unhooked, walked through, and re-hooked the rope back in place. As I did so, I looked at the woman taking tickets, nodded to her, and she smiled and waved back as we waltzed into the zoo. We continued to talk about sales from the previous week, so as not to seem suspiciously giddy about our indiscretion, but once we were in the clear we couldn’t withhold our laughter any longer.

We proceeded to the monkey cage and flipped of the monkeys repeatedly, after which we returned to our apartment, triumphant.