Kenny and the Spiked Potato

Kenny was a guy like no other. Here is another story about him.

One of the reasons Steve couldn’t pick me up as soon as I would have liked when I was getting chased (see The Great Escape) was because of Kenney. On his way to pick me up, Steve got a call from Kenny. “STEVE!!!! Go. There’s a bird on the sign!”

“What? Is this Kenny?” Steve asked.

“I’M KENNY! I’M KENNY! I’M KENNY!”

“What? What’s up Kenny,” Steve asked. Steve wasn’t very surprised he was getting a weird call from Kenny. He kind of expected it by now.

“The Mexican barbeque… Everything is spinning… I need a ride…” Kenny slurred. Steve realized that something was genuinely wrong this time.

“Ok Kenny, where are you? I’ll come pick you up.” Steve asked

No answer.

“Kenny? Are you there?”

Kenny then mumbled something about a dog and then hung up. Steve got a couple more phone calls like this from Kenny and still couldn’t get a street name or any other useful information from him. Steve drove up and down the streets he had assigned Kenny earlier that day. He finally found Kenny standing on a corner looking straight up in the air and spinning slowly in circles.

Steve rolled down the window and said, “Get in Kenny.” Kenny grabbed the door handle and stood there. There was a look of confusion on his face, like he didn’t know how to open the door. Steve waited and Kenny just stood there. Steve reached over and opened the passenger side door. This time a look of astonishment flashed across Kenny’s face, but he still just stood there. “Come on, Kenny. Get in,” Steve said, trying to hold back the laughter.

Kenny climbed into the van, put his Big Gulp and baked potato in the cup holder, and immediately started rambling incoherently. Steve had no idea what Kenny was trying to tell him. This went on for about ten minutes before Kenny suddenly reclined the seat and went to sleep.

Steve resumed his daily duties with Kenny sleeping in the passenger seat all the while wondering what actually happened.

Kenny woke up an hour or two later and filled Steve in on what happened.

As I was hiding on the floor of the minivan (for the reason I was hiding, read “The Great Escape” from a few weeks ago) Steve and Grady filled me in on Kenny’s story. It was a typical hilarious Kenny story. They said it was best when you hear it straight from Kenny. Not being too far from his area and having some time to kill we went and found him.

We pulled up to Kenny and he jumped in the van with a massive big gulp in his hand.

We inquired, and Kenny divulged his story one more time, clearly happy that people were enjoying it.

“I was walking down to the next street and I saw all these people in a back yard so I stopped to talk to ‘em. I was telling ‘em all about the Simon 3 and how I could put sensors on their doors and they asked if I wanted something to eat. They were having a barbeque and it smelled really good. So I was like, ‘Ok.’ Maybe it will help me get another sale. Oh yeah, I sold a system to this hot blond chick earlier that…

Kenny started talking about a different sale he got earlier in the day and Steve guided him back on topic.

“Ok. So these Mexican guys were getting me a plate of food ready while I was talking to one of the wives or girlfriends or whatever. I was telling her about how the system is cellular based to call 911 so that bad guys can’t cut the phone line and…”

“I know how the system works, Kenny. Keep going with the story.” Grady guided Kenny back on track one more time.

“Oh yeah. So I’m telling her about the system and the guys getting my food ready were kind of laughing and stuff. I didn’t think much about it because I really wanted a sale. So the guys gives me a plate with some grilled chicken and a baked potato. I start eatin’ and telling them about the system and they all seamed really interested. Everybody there was gathered around the picnic table listening to my pitch. I thought I was going to get three sales right there. Do you know how awesome that would be! To get three sales all at the same time! Man, That would be so cool…”

“So what happened next?” I pushed. This is how Kenny’s stories typically went; a lot of prodding to get them out of him, but always well worth the effort.

“When I finished the chicken the guy with the hat asked if I was spinning yet. I didn’t know what he was talking about so I just kept going on with my pitch. Then all the sudden I started to get dizzy and everything felt like it was going in circles around me.”

“So they drugged you?” I clarified.

“I think so,” Kenny replied. “I got up from the picnic table and it was really had to walk and keep my balance. I grabbed the rest of my potato and backed out of their yard so they couldn’t attack me or something and they were laughing the whole time.”

Adrian, the ardent worker he was, saw the van sitting there from a few blocks away and came up in the middle of Kenny’s story. Any excuse to get out of knocking on doors was a good one, especially for Adrian. He caught most of the story and pieced it together with the pieces he read through text messages he had already gotten. He asked Kenny a few questions about what exactly he felt and other circumstances and immediately had an answer.

“They gave you a barb.” Adrian stated very matter of fact-ly. Adrian continued due to the puzzled look on all of our faces. “A barbiturate, most likely a ‘yellow-jacket.’ Probably mashed it up in the potato.” Adrian proceeded to explain what exactly that was and all the effects. Adrian was a stalky Canadian from rural British Columbia. Some earlier suspicions about his recreational drug use were confirmed.

Kenny continued, “So I called you,” as he pointed to Steve, “and told you where I was and you came and picked me up.”

“You never told me where you were, Kenny.” Steve joked.

“Yeah I did, then how’d you find me?” Kenny asked with a puzzled look.

Steve explained, “You said something about a barbeque and a bird, most of the rest was pretty incoherent, but you mentioned something about a dog at the end.”

“Oh Yeah!!!” Kenny exclaimed. “I remember chasing a dog right before you picked me up. I thought he took my Big Gulp.”

We laughed for a good five minutes at that one. Kenny was laughing too but I’m not sure he realized why.